Grayce Weaver
12:37 AM
My Long Lost Zoey
Well, I did the unthinkable. I finally got the inner strength that I needed and the confidence that I needed to tell myself that I was doing the right thing. I had my precious Zoey put to sleep on Wednesday morning. She has had many things in her life that she has been battling.
Most recently she was diagnosed 100% blind, with arthritis, severe case of diabetes to which I had to feed her the exact same thing every day and then give her a shot of insulin. I remember when the nurse was trying to tell me how I need to administer the shot.....what she didn't know was the I am terrified of needles and was fixing to start hyperventilating. But I was able to pull myself together in order to help zoey. It did however take 45 min to teach me.
She had some kind of growth in her tummy that they couldn't identify. She had constant blood in her urine, and lets not even talk about the other part of that. She was just suffering. Everyday I wrestled with wondering if today was gonna be the day that we would all know it was time to take her in. She would get deathly ill for 3 days and then bounce back and wanna roll in the leaves. She was a fighter for sure. The last night I spent with her, she was really sick and throwing up. It just kind of clicked inside that i needed to be brave for zoey and do this for her. Her quality of life was so small compared to the distressing things. She would have forever wagged her tail at you and made you feel like a million bucks regardless of how she felt. Which is what made it so hard. Her not talking to me and being able to tell me what she wants me to do.
When I was laying with her the night before, I was just talking to her and telling her that she was so brave for mama, and always took care of her mama. I told her how beautiful she was and that she was such a good girl. I wanted her to hear me saying all the words she knew to be good words for her. I stayed up almost the entire night and sang her songs about doggies and little fun songs I would sing to her as a puppy. She would turn and lick my face and grunt as she did it like it was the best night ever. I would tell her that she was my first doggy ever and she played her role so well that it opened up my heart to all doggies. I was scared of dogs before I got zoey. She has forever changed my heart in more ways than one.
I brought home some cheeseburgers for her to have for her last meal. I knew that is what she would want. She loved them. I know she felt so special when I gave them to her. Mission accomplished! I wanted her to feel more loved and special and wanted that last night than in all her life. I think I did that well. I petted her all nightlong and slept on the couch with her....well I only slept about 2 hrs actually. It was a very bittersweet situation. Telling her how wonderful she is only to be really saying goodbye.
I manned up and thought that I needed to take her alone as her mommy. So I made a comfy palette in the front seat and loaded her up. It's was a very unreal drive to the vet. I just kept telling her she was beautiful and so precious and I loved her more than anything and that I was sorry. When we got there, that was unreal as well. Actually having to hold her and tell her all the love I have for her in one good bye. There wasn't enough time in the world to he able to fit all the love I have for that dog into one good bye. It was horrible. In one sense , I feel guilt for doing it. But in the next breath I was doing the right thing. I had to leave her in the room. I wasn't brave enough to go in the actually room with the vet during the procedure. I feel like a coward and I let her down because of that. I had to leave her alone in the room. Walking out with her sitting there not knowing what was going on was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe that I did it. I will never get to see her again. I miss her so much. So so so so much. You don't ever really consider having to deal with death of a pet while u have them. And then when the time comes, it is so grievous.
The book I am reading talks about how incredible the bond is with a human and their dog. U usually get 10-12 years of unconditional love from this creature and then they have to go. He was saying that he can't imagine how incredibly painful it would be if u have a bond any longer than those few years......we wouldn't survive the pain from it. And I totally agree. Zoey showed me the true definition of unconditional love and compassion. She always knew when I was upset and wanted to comfort me.
It's different putting zoey to sleep when they have done no wrong. She has always been there for me thru all the hard times that I thought would pull me under basically. To make a decision to take a helpless life when she needs u the most, it ripped my heart apart completely.
Zoey was the most kind, gentle, loyal, loving, compassionate, obedient, warm hearted doggy that I have ever met. I will miss her dearly. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't think of her and shed a tear. I know that Nilla and Baxter miss her too. They just stay really close to me now and don't leave my side. Like they know I need their comfort.
My dad said this verse one time when I had a little kitten die that I was upset about. It has stuck with me especially now knowing that God mourns zoey's death with me.
"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing" Matthew 10:29
God knows zoey died. He has her up in heaven now watching over all the other doggies and kitties up there. She is running pain free and thinking of all the good times we had together while she was here. I sure do miss her. And still love her dearly. Her will always be "my little zophie."
Most recently she was diagnosed 100% blind, with arthritis, severe case of diabetes to which I had to feed her the exact same thing every day and then give her a shot of insulin. I remember when the nurse was trying to tell me how I need to administer the shot.....what she didn't know was the I am terrified of needles and was fixing to start hyperventilating. But I was able to pull myself together in order to help zoey. It did however take 45 min to teach me.
She had some kind of growth in her tummy that they couldn't identify. She had constant blood in her urine, and lets not even talk about the other part of that. She was just suffering. Everyday I wrestled with wondering if today was gonna be the day that we would all know it was time to take her in. She would get deathly ill for 3 days and then bounce back and wanna roll in the leaves. She was a fighter for sure. The last night I spent with her, she was really sick and throwing up. It just kind of clicked inside that i needed to be brave for zoey and do this for her. Her quality of life was so small compared to the distressing things. She would have forever wagged her tail at you and made you feel like a million bucks regardless of how she felt. Which is what made it so hard. Her not talking to me and being able to tell me what she wants me to do.
When I was laying with her the night before, I was just talking to her and telling her that she was so brave for mama, and always took care of her mama. I told her how beautiful she was and that she was such a good girl. I wanted her to hear me saying all the words she knew to be good words for her. I stayed up almost the entire night and sang her songs about doggies and little fun songs I would sing to her as a puppy. She would turn and lick my face and grunt as she did it like it was the best night ever. I would tell her that she was my first doggy ever and she played her role so well that it opened up my heart to all doggies. I was scared of dogs before I got zoey. She has forever changed my heart in more ways than one.
I brought home some cheeseburgers for her to have for her last meal. I knew that is what she would want. She loved them. I know she felt so special when I gave them to her. Mission accomplished! I wanted her to feel more loved and special and wanted that last night than in all her life. I think I did that well. I petted her all nightlong and slept on the couch with her....well I only slept about 2 hrs actually. It was a very bittersweet situation. Telling her how wonderful she is only to be really saying goodbye.
I manned up and thought that I needed to take her alone as her mommy. So I made a comfy palette in the front seat and loaded her up. It's was a very unreal drive to the vet. I just kept telling her she was beautiful and so precious and I loved her more than anything and that I was sorry. When we got there, that was unreal as well. Actually having to hold her and tell her all the love I have for her in one good bye. There wasn't enough time in the world to he able to fit all the love I have for that dog into one good bye. It was horrible. In one sense , I feel guilt for doing it. But in the next breath I was doing the right thing. I had to leave her in the room. I wasn't brave enough to go in the actually room with the vet during the procedure. I feel like a coward and I let her down because of that. I had to leave her alone in the room. Walking out with her sitting there not knowing what was going on was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe that I did it. I will never get to see her again. I miss her so much. So so so so much. You don't ever really consider having to deal with death of a pet while u have them. And then when the time comes, it is so grievous.
The book I am reading talks about how incredible the bond is with a human and their dog. U usually get 10-12 years of unconditional love from this creature and then they have to go. He was saying that he can't imagine how incredibly painful it would be if u have a bond any longer than those few years......we wouldn't survive the pain from it. And I totally agree. Zoey showed me the true definition of unconditional love and compassion. She always knew when I was upset and wanted to comfort me.
It's different putting zoey to sleep when they have done no wrong. She has always been there for me thru all the hard times that I thought would pull me under basically. To make a decision to take a helpless life when she needs u the most, it ripped my heart apart completely.
Zoey was the most kind, gentle, loyal, loving, compassionate, obedient, warm hearted doggy that I have ever met. I will miss her dearly. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't think of her and shed a tear. I know that Nilla and Baxter miss her too. They just stay really close to me now and don't leave my side. Like they know I need their comfort.
My dad said this verse one time when I had a little kitten die that I was upset about. It has stuck with me especially now knowing that God mourns zoey's death with me.
"What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing" Matthew 10:29
God knows zoey died. He has her up in heaven now watching over all the other doggies and kitties up there. She is running pain free and thinking of all the good times we had together while she was here. I sure do miss her. And still love her dearly. Her will always be "my little zophie."
